just a bit of inspo

I'm at my happy-blogging-spot, aka the local coffee shop. Sitting here looking out at a rather busy day, but allowing myself to slow down and just vibe into it all. Perfect atmosphere for writing, especially with alternative-pop in my ears, beautiful historic buildings through the window where I sit, my small-town world bustling through its day. Plus I have kombucha and just got my hair trimmed after 5 months, so life is extra-good. ;)

Feeling very spring-y and girly today, so I think I'm going to talk about some of my favorites for the season, and maybe pass on some spring-inspo to you! Ohhhh and before I continue, guess what Jesus did? He provided me with a car! I know you all must be sick of hearing about my vehicle-woes. Its literally been YEARS, and honestly I've despaired of every having my freedom. :P Anyway, long story short...my grandparents heard about my troubles and bought me a beautiful little bright-blue Dodge Caliber. I've already taken it on a lunch date, and out on the town running errands. ;) Every time I get in the car...MY CAR...I either start crying from sheer joy/shock, or drive around in this sort of elated haze. Like seriously, is this even real? Yeah we serve a kinda-very- awesome God, and He always, always comes through.

Having a car now enables me to do what I've been planning every since getting home...move back to KY, or at the very least move out of my parents home. That was my goal, and I've given myself a time frame. So far I'm still on schedule! All that said, prayers would be much appreciated as I grapple through whatever the next step is. :)

Ok, on the the actual subject of this post 🌹

🌹Universal Threads, Target

Ok so I feel a little bad starting this list off with clothing, but I HAVE to give a huge shout-out to Target on there beautiful new line! I say I feel bad because after spending three weeks in a third-world country you realize how petty and insignificant material pleasures are. I know, I know, its sounds super cliche. I thought so too until I actually experienced it, and I remember feeling really guilty when I came back to the States and went shopping for the first time. It wasn't difficult getting sucked back into the "basic white girl" vibe, but instead of feeling bad I suppose I'm grateful for the privileges God has given me in the US. Even though I enjoy those things, it all comes down to moderation and perspective.

Anway, yes...Universal Threads. Love love love love LOVE everything in Target's new clothing line so much! Seriously every time I walk into the store--which is frequently since its literally only five minutes from my house...I could walk--I end up coming out with some random clothing item I really don't need. :P Like the super soft, super flattering t-shirt I bought today (because I will always love the basic tee and jeans look,) that says "avocado-holic." I mean really? How cute is that? I'm so happy to see very feminine and pretty designs/patterns at reasonable prices, plus the quality is amazing! Just feeling the fabric you can sense the difference in the make, cut, and fit of each piece. Plus I'm pretty much gone when it comes to anything pastel or floral.

🌹Embracing the inner YOU

I wrote another post that will be coming out soon about empowering godly womanhood (the "new" theme of this blog, and definitely a huge part of the in-the-works-Wordpress space!) I think a huge part of becoming who we are meant to be as women is embracing ourselves for who we are. That might sound like another cliche, (my cliche game is going strong today, so it would seem, :P ) but I believe this with my whole heart. Becoming confident in our bodies not only makes us feel better about ourselves, it makes us more attractive to others. For ie, I've been trying to tame my sometimes-almost-straight-but-actually-really-wavy hair for YEARS now...and last night you know what I did? I just let it go. I scrunched the heck out of it and liberated the waves...and I love it. When you stop worrying so much about what society thinks, your entire outlook will change.

🌹Change your food-relationship

Because it IS a relationship. Are you eating foods that make you feel bad about your body? I'm not talking about dieting or losing weight. I'm talking about taking care of YOU. That's why I'm such a huge advocate of the Whole30 lifestyle. I know for certain that if I put that giant chocolate chip cookie into my stomach and wash it down with a tall glass of milk I'm going to feel sick for days...maybe weeks. Changing your eating habits might sound daunting, especially if you go cold turkey (best way, if you ask me,) or don't have a support-partner. But once you start seeing results, you'll thank me. Just kidding, but seriously. ;) For example, your pants might start fitting better...might start losing some of that extra winter "fluff." Not because you need to lose weight, but because eating real, whole foods helps reduce water retention and bloating. Don't forget to drink at least 8 cups of water a day! Like real food, proper hydration is essential for a healthy mind and glowing complexion. Less breakouts? Sign me up. 

🌹 Hit up the gym

I  said it, and I'll say it again--GO TO THE GYM! I trying making it to the local rec center at least once a week, while keeping up with my regular at home workouts. Again, this isn't about having a perfect body. But like healthy eating, part of that lifestyle is caring for our bodies, and working out, even if its just running on a treadmill for a couple miles...has so many benefits. Also an incredible stress reliever, especially if you've been cooped up in the house all winter!

🌹 Create a new playlist

Spring calls for new tunes. I tend to over-play my favorite music, and get sick of it after a few months. When I'm in my car I listen to worship music. When I'm driving with my sisters its usually something upbeat. When I blog its alternative/indie. Right now my current music picks are:

1. The Black and White, The Band Comino
2. Wilderness, Jon Bryant
3. Poison and Wine, The Civil Wars
4. Adore, Dean Lewis
5. Lights Down Low, Maxx
6. Feel It Still, Portugal. The Man
7. Rewrite the Stars, The Greatest Showman 
8. 1000 Nights, Frenship
9. Female, Keith Urban
10. Loco, Enrique Iglesias 
11. Sing  Loud, Alpha Rev

And that's it for now! A bit burned out...I've been writing/editing for almost three hours...but I hope you enjoy this little list! Make sure to leave a comment about what's inspiring you this spring. 🌹

the bloggy itch = lots of sentimental junk

You should see my bedroom right now...literally, there are piles of clothes all over the floor. And I'm talking PILES. But I'm tired, and I slept in until almost 10:00 AM, which I never, ever do...and so maybe its ok to pamper myself a little bit today and just take it easy. So that's exactly what I'm doing. Made a cup of tea, threw on an oversized hoodie, took a brush to my hair, and decided to scootch myself downstairs and at the computer to write. All the adulting stuff can come later. ;)

Since I've been feeling rather dry in the writing department, I'm just going to be super candid and update you all on my life. I feel like I haven't really done that since getting back from my summer adventures...just glimpses here and there, but not a solid update. So here goes.

Its February (duh, which you know if you are paying attention to the calendar, ;P ) annnnd lets just say this...I never expected to still be at home. I am in no wise complaining because I'm realizing more and more--especially now with the beautiful spring-ish weather that's hitting Ohio!--how GOOD it actually is. I have a warm place to sleep, a family that loves me, good food. However, I still have the itch to get back to my own place, namely Kentucky. Man, I miss it there so, so much. Plus this is the time of year where I am usually working HARD to get everything packed and personal things buttoned up and whatnot for my summer in Colorado...and this is the first time in three years I won't be going back to the ranch. If you've followed me either here or my old blog for any period of time you know about my love for Wind River Ranch, my summer home from 2015-17. It wasn't all fun and games, we worked hella hard, but every last minute of service was WORTH IT and made me grow...literally stretched me to the core.

So yes, there is some sadness and sentiment on that count, as flashbacks of my time in CO come more frequently, and I miss certain things vividly...like the way the sky looked all fired up before setting behind the mountain. Climbing the mudslide with my dear friend Katie at dusk. Sitting in the horse pasture with my best girl Charity, just talking about life. All the tears and laughter and late-into-the-night conversations. I miss it all. Especially the summer of 2016, that changed how I view the world and life and jumping out of comfort zones and into the real world (whew, run on sentence much? ;) ) Beautiful life, beautiful times, beautiful Jesus for giving me these memories. It gives me hope that if something could impact me so deeply, there must be so many more adventures in the making.

Then Kentucky. My soul home. Quite literally. I felt when I moved to KY not only an independence I'd never before experienced but also a peace that wrapped me in its arms and welcomed me in a way nowhere else has. My little brick house with its sprawling yard and horses next door, where I could spread a blanket under one of the big oak trees and read for hours. My roommates and best friends that I got to do life with. Gosh, I miss those girls! Sarah, Nikki, Mary...who didn't actually live with us but basically did. ;) The "brothers" who were always available to answer my guy questions or just hang out for a dinner of Chic Fila. It was a whirlwind of everything I always imagined a real community would be...and then it was over.

Now I'm home. It hasn't been exactly what I expected and it definitely hasn't run at the pace I wanted. But like I say in almost every.single.blog post...God's timeline rarely coincides with ours. For example, my biggest goal has been to get my car fixed and get my tush back to KY. Well, the car issue still remains and I am still without a working vehicle. It's coming slowly, but my deadline of May is getting closer, and I've accepted the fact that I might be here just a little longer...and its GOOD. Where else do I have the worlds cutest pooch (my sweet Belle!) to cuddle with at night?  Answers the question right there...home is where the heart is. #cheesycliquesareok #isoundlikeahallmarkmovie

I've spent a ton of time job hunting and "trying" out different jobs that really didn't fit what I needed financially. Starbucks lasted a month, and as I explained before I didn't hesitate to quit. Its like I woke up one morning and God was ASKING me to.  A couple weeks later I landed a part-time nanny job ACROSS THE STREET from my parent's house, so I can just walk to work, which totally solves the current car issue. What even. God is so good. The boys I sit for are little boogers, and I'm learning to work with parents that are always home and hesitant to hand over authority to me. But I AM working on it, and rather enjoy the challenge. I'll make the little monsters respect and LOVE me! lol Remember my word for 2018, Fierce? It continues to be my motivation.

I've been basically gone for three years, so something else I'm working toward is building up a community in my area. All of my close friends live out of State, and I don't know why exactly, but if you don't already have a friend-group in the Midwest, it's very difficult to fall into one--has anyone else noticed that? Jesus has provided a lot of opportunities with churches in the area, and my sister Anna and I are visiting two that are super giving and have active communities. All that to say, we are ALWAYS BUSY.  Small group, movie nights, spontaneous breakfasts, swing dances, lunch in cute little towns. I'm also treasuring time with my sisters since I may not see them as often when I move away. We are all so different and everyone but the youngest (who is finishing up high school,) are working, so our lives are spread in a million directions...but we always gather in the evenings for Netflix or just to talk.

Netflix, Netflix. It sounds bad, but while I was job hunting I spent a lot of time TV show binging. :P Oh gosh, I just admitted that. But I'm not really even sorry, because I've always loved TV/movies, and I always will, haha. In fact, I'm currently working through the highly addictive 'Gran Hotel,' an English-sub Spanish period drama that is very slightly like Downton Abbey (in time period/costumes, at least,) and a whole lot of mystery and intrigue and murder, lol. Its soapy at times but also so well done that I forget I'm reading subtitles. Plus I've picked up some Spanish, which is kind of fun and very random. ;) But anyway...if you read this and check it out, let me know in the comments!

Oh and hey how about dem Olympics? Watched figure skating like my life depended on it, and again I'm not sorry because for a while there it felt like an actual eternal winter and I was just going to curl up in a hole and sleep until the sun came out again. :P For real though. I'm not sure if I forgot what an Ohio winter was like, but this one was BRUTAL. I hate, hate, hate snow and being cold, so basically, I lived my worst nightmare. :P Seasonal depression is REAL, folks. Now the sun is peaking out a little longer every day and I can trade my icky big coat for sweatshirts and cardigans, and actually wear my fav boyfriend jeans with the rips and not freeze my legs off...and I am haaappppyyyy!! Yes I know I always gush about springtime, but for realz. If the world waking from dead winter into a beautiful, lush wonderland of sunshine and birdsong isn't symbolism from God, I don't know what is. ;) I think with just the right amount of spring sunshine and warmth and maybe a flower or two, I could rule the world. Or at least...go out there and conquer some dreams.

I'm not sure this was an update so much as a sentimental junk, but like I said, my brain has had serious writer's block and I popped out of bed this morning feeling the bloggy itch. I'd say I'm in a very different place in my life this year but it isn't bad because I'm still being stretched...just not exactly in the direction I thought. Looking back over the last few months I see a lot of challenges, but the awesome part is that the light is so much bigger and brighter once reached! Hello to fresh awakenings and days with no mistakes in them...yet.

Let's connect! Leave me a comment or send me a message, and I'll be sure to respond. I love hearing from you all and what God is doing in your lives. :)

Fierce

There are so many expectations thrown at us with the new year. Resolutions, goals, wanting to do and be better. I'm at a place in my life right now that is constantly fluctuating between a surreal amazement at God's power, and then life becomes real and the enemy of doubt gets a foothold and everything that was so clear becomes a rabid, putrid mess.

I am not a stranger to the dark

"Hide away", they say

"'Cause we don't want your broken parts"

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

"Run away", they say

"No one'll love you as you are"

Ok, honest moment. I've dealt with chronic anxiety for years, and for years I've done everything I can to mask it. Few people would guess upon meeting me--friendly, over the top bubbly, apparently easy-going me--that I am often wrecked with some type of off the wall nerves, usually related to a very simple "problem" that to me is the biggest, most unconquerable thing in the world. I've traveled, dug into my Bible, prayed a whole lot, and ultimately tried to "escape" the constant fear that overtakes my life. Its a lot bigger and scarier than most people realize. "Anxiety" looks different for many people, and I've pinned mine in particular down to one thing: I don't like the feeling of uselessness. I've talked about waiting so much on my blog because it is truly the hardest concept in the world for me to grasp. An unknown future and the feeling of my world stopping while I wait for the next season drives me absolutely crazy. I know how big this world is and I want to do nothing more than be in it, and even more than that, be fulfilled in the world I've created. I guess in a very real sense I'm a control freak. I don't know how to settle down or be patient. I'm constantly looking for the next "thrill," and realizing that both disgust and humbles me.

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

But in recognizing the "problem" over and over and over again, I've continued to take the wrong approach in dealing with the constant feeling of "not being enough," being unfulfilled. Being, quite plainly. . . bored. Instead of taking anxiety by its big ugly horns and throwing it out the window or better yet, looking it in the face and refusing to let it define me, I've run away. I've ran and ran and ran in hopes of getting away from the clutches of the beast, and while it's fled from time to time, like a faithful old friend it comes creeping back, and each time it is more powerful, more gruesome.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

am who I'm meant to be, this is me

If my fear had a face, I think it would be parts cuddly and terrifying. Cuddly because let's get real, if we didn't find some type of solace or comfort within our fear, it wouldn't be there in the first place. The other half is a pure terror, a big black, engulfing mass that I seemingly can't control. The hilarious part of this confession is that I am a Christian. Well, God is a God of order and fear comes from the evil one, and perfect love (Jesus) casts out all fear. Does that mean Christians can't deal with fear and anxiety? Absolutely YES they can. And they do. Some of strongest people I know, love and look up to deal with chronic, invisible demons. If anything, there is a deep strength in the Christian with anxiety, because we know who our Redeemer is. Listen, without Christ, I have no idea how I'd get through most of the time! Whenever I'm going through a particularly hard time and despair surrounds me there is always hope. It doesn't always happen like this, but I woke up today with the distinct knowledge that I am being cared for. No, I'm not super happy that my car is broken, I'm not working fulltime (though I am so grateful for my little parttime job!) and I can't make a solid decision about a life-changing aspect of my life. That's why I'm always encouraging you guys to take the bull by the horns and leap, because I may very well be the worlds most indecisive person. It's super confusing because sometimes its like, what is the difference between my fear, what is actually happening, what could be happening, and reality? The cup of tea I'm drinking is real. The dishwashing rumbling behind me is real. The sun coming in through the window is real. So it the feeling of boredom as I look outside and realize there is still snow covering the ground and I am facing another day indoors, no closer to the end goal of moving out and getting my car fixed than I was yesterday.

 Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

I'm hoping that through this post you can take a good hard look at the things that are keeping you down. Is it lack of money, education, purpose, a relationship? Are you surrounded by people, yet perpetually lonely? If you are anything like me, you are unintentionally looking for band-aids to "fix" your fears. New clothes, new adventures, new loves, new dreams (figurative, not necessarily applied to my own life).

 Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in

We are bursting through the barricades
And reaching for the sun
(We are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become

No one can change you or me. Only YOU can change YOU. Yes, Christ working in you can change you, but even His constant presence isn't always enough. Sometimes we see it and know it is there, and refuse to listen. Refuse to understand that everything really is for a season, and He is working for our good. FIERCE is another word of mine for 2018. No longer fear. FIERCE. Fierce because change is constantly happening, behind the scenes, when everything else feels stagnant. Fierce because even in the midst of fear there is a shining beacon of hope and His name is Jesus. Fierce because we are made in the image of Christ, and no good thing does He withhold from them who walk uprightly. Fierce because I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. Fierce because there are more mountains to climb and more rivers to cross. Fierce because I am not defined by feelings or fear. Fierce because true repentance means turning away from fear and basking in the light of an ever-present King.

I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me!

Lyrics from the Greatest Showman, This is me