There are so many expectations thrown at us with the new year. Resolutions, goals, wanting to do and be better. I'm at a place in my life right now that is constantly fluctuating between a surreal amazement at God's power, and then life becomes real and the enemy of doubt gets a foothold and everything that was so clear becomes a rabid, putrid mess.

I am not a stranger to the dark
"Hide away", they say
"'Cause we don't want your broken parts"
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
"Run away", they say
"No one'll love you as you are"

Ok, honest moment. I've dealt with chronic anxiety for years, and for years I've done everything I can to mask it. Few people would guess upon meeting me--friendly, over the top bubbly, apparently easy-going me--that I am often wrecked with some type of off the wall nerves, usually related to a very simple "problem" that to me is the biggest, most unconquerable thing in the world. I've traveled, dug into my Bible, prayed a whole lot, and ultimately tried to "escape" the constant fear that overtakes my life. Its a lot bigger and scarier than most people realize. "Anxiety" looks different for many people, and I've pinned mine in particular down to one thing: I don't like the feeling of uselessness. I've talked about waiting so much on my blog because it is truly the hardest concept in the world for me to grasp. An unknown future and the feeling of my world stopping while I wait for the next season drives me absolutely crazy. I know how big this world is and I want to do nothing more than be in it, and even more than that, be fulfilled in the world I've created. I guess in a very real sense I'm a control freak. I don't know how to settle down or be patient. I'm constantly looking for the next "thrill," and realizing that both disgust and humbles me.

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

But in recognizing the "problem" over and over and over again, I've continued to take the wrong approach in dealing with the constant feeling of "not being enough," being unfulfilled. Being, quite plainly. . . bored. Instead of taking anxiety by its big ugly horns and throwing it out the window or better yet, looking it in the face and refusing to let it define me, I've run away. I've ran and ran and ran in hopes of getting away from the clutches of the beast, and while it's fled from time to time, like a faithful old friend it comes creeping back, and each time it is more powerful, more gruesome.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
am who I'm meant to be, this is me

If my fear had a face, I think it would be parts cuddly and terrifying. Cuddly because let's get real, if we didn't find some type of solace or comfort within our fear, it wouldn't be there in the first place. The other half is a pure terror, a big black, engulfing mass that I seemingly can't control. The hilarious part of this confession is that I am a Christian. Well, God is a God of order and fear comes from the evil one, and perfect love (Jesus) casts out all fear. Does that mean Christians can't deal with fear and anxiety? Absolutely YES they can. And they do. Some of strongest people I know, love and look up to deal with chronic, invisible demons. If anything, there is a deep strength in the Christian with anxiety, because we know who our Redeemer is. Listen, without Christ, I have no idea how I'd get through most of the time! Whenever I'm going through a particularly hard time and despair surrounds me there is always hope. It doesn't always happen like this, but I woke up today with the distinct knowledge that I am being cared for. No, I'm not super happy that my car is broken, I'm not working fulltime (though I am so grateful for my little parttime job!) and I can't make a solid decision about a life-changing aspect of my life. That's why I'm always encouraging you guys to take the bull by the horns and leap, because I may very well be the worlds most indecisive person. It's super confusing because sometimes its like, what is the difference between my fear, what is actually happening, what could be happening, and reality? The cup of tea I'm drinking is real. The dishwashing rumbling behind me is real. The sun coming in through the window is real. So it the feeling of boredom as I look outside and realize there is still snow covering the ground and I am facing another day indoors, no closer to the end goal of moving out and getting my car fixed than I was yesterday.
 Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

I'm hoping that through this post you can take a good hard look at the things that are keeping you down. Is it lack of money, education, purpose, a relationship? Are you surrounded by people, yet perpetually lonely? If you are anything like me, you are unintentionally looking for band-aids to "fix" your fears. New clothes, new adventures, new loves, new dreams (figurative, not necessarily applied to my own life).

 Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades
And reaching for the sun
(We are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become

No one can change you or me. Only YOU can change YOU. Yes, Christ working in you can change you, but even His constant presence isn't always enough. Sometimes we see it and know it is there, and refuse to listen. Refuse to understand that everything really is for a season, and He is working for our good. FIERCE is another word of mine for 2018. No longer fear. FIERCE. Fierce because change is constantly happening, behind the scenes, when everything else feels stagnant. Fierce because even in the midst of fear there is a shining beacon of hope and His name is Jesus. Fierce because we are made in the image of Christ, and no good thing does He withhold from them who walk uprightly. Fierce because I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. Fierce because there are more mountains to climb and more rivers to cross. Fierce because I am not defined by feelings or fear. Fierce because true repentance means turning away from fear and basking in the light of an ever-present King.

I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me!

Lyrics from the Greatest Showman, This is me


  1. Thank you for sharing!<3 You are such an inspiration and encouragement to me, as well as I am sure everyone else who reads your blog!:)